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Wrap Rage: indestructible packaging, endless twisties turn nursery into war zone

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I remember how innocent I was, long before I was a parent. Do you remember that time? When you were young, perhaps it was the 80s, or the early 90s. You imagined bringing a baby into your home one day, certainly, it was far off in the future but the image was clear, if a bit soft-focused around the edges: all was fuzzy, wuzzy, warm, soft, and gentle. If you imagined your home with a kitchen, in fact, the knives were all tucked safely away in a hand-oiled maple block somewhere, way, way back on the counter.

[Big sound of brakes squeaking, wheels skidding, cars smashing into walls, screams...]

twisty ties of deathAnd then, I became a parent in the new millennium. And my world was filled with the most fearsome, warlike cutting implements. Industrial-strength scissors that came apart at the hinge so you could sharpen them daily. Hunting knives with a whetting stone, glistening next to the sink (where I keep my gentle organic hand soap). A typical day in my first child's infancy might find my knuckles raw, my fingers calloused, battle wounds all over my fingers.

I'd been faced with my children's toy packaging.

While some news reports indicate that today's packaging is tough in order to prevent thieves, I'd hate to know which thieves are interested in the two-inch-long plastic hammer that comes with the $8.99 "James and the Fallen Tree" die-cast train set. I'd also love to have a little chat with Tyco and show them the shallow cut, nearly as long as the hammer, I got on my middle finger while trying to untangle James' right wheels from their metal-reinforced twisty ties. I have little boys so I don't have to deal much with packaging on Mattel, Inc. (NYSE:MAT)'s Barbie dolls or any of their friends, but I admit to having purchased a "Working Girl" Barbie just for myself. Her little plastic laptop, the one with the cheery pie chart ever-presented on the screen? Ultra secure, its one-inch square self-held to the box with two six-inch-long twistie ties.

james and the giant packaging
When Everett, my four-year-old, was a baby, I used to buy him lots of brand-new, fresh-from-Target Corporation (NYSE:TGT) toys. Because the CPSC guards young children very carefully, always watching for choking hazards or little pieces of bright plastic or sparkly cord that might be ripped off and swallowed, these toys were a paragon of safety.

Not so the scene when I tried to remove them from their hard-plastic casing. I'm pretty sure the people in the recycling truck were taking the shards of plastic left behind directly to the nuclear fallout shelter plant, you know, to melt down and build a structure worthy of Blade Runner.

And I'm not the only one, oh no, not for a minute. Estimates are that 6,000 people go to the emergency room every year after tussling with packaging, on toys, on tools, on home appliances. Every person I know complains of their struggles to get into packaging. And these are, by and large, not expensive items. These are typically items ranging from $3.00 to about $50.00 -- the more expensive stuff comes in easy-to-open boxes.

everett and the secure animals
It's so not about thwarting thieves. And if it is? Come on people. Is your biggest economic concern really whether or not some child is going to steal the littlest plastic zebra from the $3.99 safari collection?

No, this is about control. The manufacturers want to control how their products are displayed. And who can blame them? I'm sure several very smart and well-coifed people are paid $85,000 a year to decide at exactly what angle Barbie's rubber briefcase is going to protrude from the box, and where it will be in relationship to the tiny copy of Working Woman magazine.

But. Oh my god. If you have ever been sitting near a two year old, a sweet little innocent child with soft skin and soft blonde curls and wearing his sweet organic cotton Christmas pjs, and saw how eager he was to open his newest toy, jumping all over you, hugging and kissing, and then, you with first the scissors, and then, discarding them and going straight to the kitchen and getting your sharpest, biggest, serrated knife, and still the two year old is jumping up and down just inches from this dangerous implement and you're thinking I really made sure to get the toys that were developmentally appropriate and proven safe for toddlers but how the g#% d#@^ $^@@^!&*@ am I supposed to open them without killing us both!?!?

Well, then, you too have had wrap rage.

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Last updated: November 22, 2009: 05:58 AM

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