Battle of the Brands: sweeping up afterward

I came in late on the Battle of the Brands and missed a chance to join in the fun, but I have been keeping my own list, for what it's worth:

Borders Group Inc. (NYSE: BGP) vs. Barnes & Noble, Inc. (NYSE: BKS) -- Borders. Better coffee, magazine selection, and easy chairs. If only they didn't waste so much store space on those bound-paper things; there are shelves and shelves of them getting in the way of the gift cards, games, and Will Ferrell DVDs.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts (NYSE: KKD) vs. Dunkin' Donuts -- Krispy Kreme. Their trademark glazed ring is only 200 calories, while Dunkin' Donut's standard cake donut runs to 300. Stated in standard American consumption units, that would be 2,400 calories/dozen vs. 3,600.

Home Depot, Inc. (NYSE: HD) vs. Lowe's Companies, Inc. (NYSE: LOW) -- I choose Home Depot, for their attire. Every time I'm in a Lowe's, I find myself wondering why they can't wash their vests. Perhaps they should acquire Aramark.

Time Warner Inc.'s (NYSE: TWX) Time magazine vs. Washington Post Co.'s (NYSE: WPO) Newsweek -- Time. I found a couple of pages in the last issue of Newsweek where I actually had to read text. What's up with that?

Charmin, a product of Procter & Gamble (NYSE: PG), vs. Northern, a product of Koch Industries -- Charmin wipes out the competition. To paraphrase a CEO of BFI, their bottom line is my bottom line.

Jockeys vs. Boxers -- jockeys. They're holding a high pair.

Left turns vs. right -- Right. It's hard to hold the cell phone without spilling my coffee when turning left.

Babies vs. kittens -- They both start off cute, but evolve into creatures that lie around the house expecting to be pampered without bothering to show gratitude. A cat, however, won't expect you to send it to Yale, then blow off senior finals to go to the Burning Man Festival.

Baseball vs. waiting for a Twinkie to show signs of decay -- Baseball. They bring beer to you.