Being in the constant presence of three very little boys (five years, two years, and three months old), and spending a huge portion of my spare time obsessing over mommy media, I have read a lot of articles along the lines of Leslie Bennett's new The Feminine Mistake. You take your working mom, you compare her to a highly-educated stay-at-home. You worry about how the at-home mom is losing her identity, her control over her finances, her ability to escape the relationship should it not end happily ever after. You wonder if the working mom is ignoring the loving care of her children, the fund raising development of her PTA, the feeding of the home fires. Moms are (Bennett and so many others argue) giving up their right to membership in Future Highly-Paid Executives of America if they stay at home. And most importantly: they'll give up their fat retirement fund. What should happen if daddy dearest leaves you for his secretary, PR professional, Donna Karan-clad boss? It's social security and a mother-in-law apartment for you.
I work from home, neatly placing myself right on the divide in this debate. I can't side with the at-home moms; I do have adults to interact with on issues of importance all day long, and besides, I don't have time to side with them. I can't align myself with the working moms; after all, I do get to spend time with my kids all day, I pick up from school, I am far too familiar with the intricacies of the Berenstain Bears series. And I don't have time to go out to lunch with them.
There's only one problem with Bennett's argument: it only makes sense if it's masculine, too. Is there a "Masculine Mistake" for dads who stay home?
I'd argue that there is no similar effect for men. My husband has spent the better part of the past five years off of his career track so he can hang out with the kids (and do the laundry) while I'm tethered to my computer. As I write this, he's volunteering at our son's kindergarten.
The thing is? He seems way more attractive to potential employers since he's stayed at home. His volunteer positions (coaching sports as well as helping Teacher Mary out) show how dedicated and civic-minded he is; his hands-on time with the kids seems loyal and admirable. Not one person has said anything about him "wasting" his time, or getting out of touch with the world, or mourned his lost career. Retirement? Well, we both assume we'll share mine; I guess it's far less likely to imagine I'll leave the man who selflessly dedicated himself to my children and my dirty dishes.
Nope. There is no masculine version of the feminine mistake. Which makes me think this isn't so much about whether or not you stay at home with your children; no, this is more about our society, and how it looks at women as compared with men. Sure, career takes a back seat if you decide to spend time at home. But only women are punished for it. There is a mistake, but it's not being made by the moms Bennett blames.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
10-04-2007 @ 7:04AM
W. B. Wilhite said...
There are opposing views to the brilliant idea that women surrender a lot by becoming mothers. Men make a huge sacrifice as well. For example, unless I'm mistaken, the stay-at-home moms are well protected by the laws. First, they will get at least half of whatever assets their husbands have accrued. Later, they will get half his social security and half his pension. The chains on his body, mind and soul are thick, long and strong. Once a man has married, he has promised to work himself to death on behalf of her, the children and himself and to shoulder all the burdens of himself, his family and his society through the worst and the best of it. A durable and tenacious couple is comprised of a loyal and supportive man and woman. Together, they are stronger than they would be apart. This is true for the vast majority. The best solution is for people to stop focusing on the gender aspects of survival, how it affects one or the other, but how it affects all: man, woman, children and society. Only then will it become easier to survive the American Dream. Like it or now, men and women will marry, have children and carry on. The best the system can do is support that effort.