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More bailout ideas -- why stop with Bear Stearns?

When I first saw the news that JPMorgan Chase & Co. (NYSE: JPM) was quintupling its partially fed-funded offer for The Bear Stearns Companies, Inc. (NYSE: BSC), I felt my blood boil. I wrote that "no taxpayer-subsidized bailout should include over $1 billion in cash for shareholders of a mismanaged company."

While I'm usually able to resist the tempting allure of populism, in this case I can't. I have no evidence to back this up, but I do have a sneaking suspicion that the average shareholder of Bear Stearns is somewhere above the median in terms of wealth. Chairman and former CEO James Cayne -- who is partly responsible for the company's mess -- is set to receive around $75 million if the $10-per share offer goes through. And we can all thank the Federal Reserve for that bit of charity.

But maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe the role of the federal government really is to bail out people who made crummy investments in stuff they didn't really understand. If that's the case, I have another bailout idea:

According to the San Fransisco Chronicle, a 1985 Topps Tiffany Mark McGwire rookie card is worth $1 thousand, down from its peak value of $8 thousand. The reason? His record was broken and his legacy is shrouded in controversy over allegations of steroid use.

Bear Stearns-inspired solution: The Federal Reserve should announce a tender offer, agreeing to pay $7 thousand apiece for all Mark McGwire rookie cards. We'll stick trading card "investors" who bought at the peak with a $1 thousand loss ... wouldn't want to encourage speculative stupidity or anything like that.

If this sounds like an asinine idea, that's because it is: and so is a Fed-backed bailout that stuffs $1 billion into the pockets of people who bought a crappy stock.

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Last updated: May 11, 2008: 06:39 PM

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