The story of recently captured hedge fund crook Sam Israel just keeps getting weirder. First he faked his suicide and went on the run, leaving behind a message from the TV show M*A*S*H. Then he turned himself in in western Massachusetts.

Now he's telling the judge that he actually did try to commit suicide but failed. Swallowing morphine tablets and fentanyl didn't do the trick: "I ate the balance of my fentanyl patches because I thought it was better to do myself in than to turn myself in. I woke up battered and bruised and I realized God didn't want me to do that and I turned myself in."

Ah yes -- an obligatory reference to god thrown in for good measure. It looks like we can add Mr. Israel to the long list of "born again until you're out again" criminals.

The list of things Israel stinks at keeps growing: he lost a ton of investors' money running a hedge fund, then got busted when his cover-up efforts failed. Then he tried to kill himself but failed then tried to be a fugitive but failed at that too.