Here's one of those ubiquitous email jokes that has been circulating around the globe for the past few days -- except that this one is actually funny.

The Top 12 Signs the Economy Is Bad

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup, and GM to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?"

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The mafia is laying off judges.

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

A friend recently forwarded me an explanation of the financial crisis that has been making its way around the internet and I must say: It's brilliant!

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin . In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers, most of whom are unemployed alcoholics, to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

A message board poster has put this hilarious chart showing that S&P 500 could be in for a rough ride. He writes that "The very rare black swan formation - note both feet and neck are complete and the rare vampire tooth variation is in place. This is very bad. Very very bad."

In his email newsletter, hedge fund manager Whitney Tilson writes that the chart "just about sums up the usefulness of technical analysis."

I'm not sure when it happened, but I think that I've slipped into a Charles Dickens novel.

I got my first clue that something was up back in September, when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy. Amid scandals over bailouts and backroom deals, congressional testimony and AIG retreats, one figure quickly emerged from the mass of bloated plutocrats and greedy execs clamoring for bonuses. Everything about Dick Fuld, from his cartoonishly aggressive management style, to his whining over Congress' refusal to bail out Lehman, to his striking resemblance to Rocky and Bullwinkle's Fearless Leader, made him the perfect poster boy for corporate greed. As more details leaked out, including the story about Fuld being pummeled by one of his employees, much was made of his name. In the public mind and this writer's heart, Richard Fuld was permanently transformed into a complete Dick. All in all, I was hardly surprised to see Lehman fold.

Another clue came when the story leaked out that Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain tried to collect a $10 million bonus. The fact that this bonus was, supposedly, based on Thain's performance in a year when Merrill lost billions of dollars made Thain's chutzpah almost legendary. My wife, who has had dealings with Thain in the past, noted that this aristocratic sense of entitlement permeated every single one of their interactions. I, on the other hand, couldn't help but remember the words of the witches in Macbeth, who hail the Scotsman as Thane of Cawdor, Thane of Glamis, and King hereafter. There seemed to be something ironic about an ambitious, clawing Thain who so clearly felt himself deserving of the spoils of war.

There have since been others. For example, when I first heard of Bernie Madoff, I thought nothing of his last name. However, when I learned that the proper pronunciation isn't "MAD-off" but rather "MADE-off," I couldn't help but laugh. For somebody who "made off" with billions of dollars, Bernie has a name that would put Dickens to shame. Following him, of course, there's been Joseph Forte, the Ponzi schemer who put on a "strong" front, but couldn't hide the fact that making money wasn't his forte. Frankly, punning off these guys is so easy that it's almost embarrassing.

As President-elect Obama looks for ways to save our economy, I'd like to humbly suggest he consider taking a page out of Oprah Winfrey's play book by offering an 'Everybody Gets a Chevy!" economic stimulus plan.

The measure, which would put a new American-built car or truck in every American driveway, would put GM back on its feet, send thousands of GM employees back to work and free up consumer cash for other necessities such as conversion kits and spinner hubcaps. And the cost? What's a few trillion among friends?

I'm undecided about whether Americans should have the opportunity to pick out the model and accessory packages of their free car. Put me down for a 'Vette, though. A red one.

And yes, this is satire.

Don't end the week on a dour note! Here is a little gallows humor to lighten your day, culled from the 'net for your enjoyment.

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

Question: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
Answer: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Why is a BMW a stockbroker's favorite car?
Because he can't spell Porsche.

Why did God create market analysts?
In order to make weather forecasters look good!

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: $3.50

I went to buy a toaster, and it came with a bank.

Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up. I now get my margin calls five times as fast.

Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?
A: Say, "Hey, waiter!"

Here's a graphic a friend sent me that requires no explanation. Enjoy:

Ever wonder what the geniuses who work at fast food restaurants do when they want to amuse themselves? How about take a bubble bath in the nude in the kitchen sink, video tape it and post it on YouTube? Welcome to Burger King's (NYSE: BKC) public relations nightmare.

It seems that this caper was the bright idea of a Burger King employee who goes by the name "Mr. Unstable." With his tattoos and punk rock hairdo circa 1985, the moniker suits him well. From what I could gather from the low-quality sound on the video, Mr. Unstable wanted to get clean for his birthday. Amazingly, none of the employees at the restaurant thought this was unusual enough to tell the manager.

In fact, they told the manager that everything was cleaned up while the video camera was rolling. I guess she was too dumb to realize something was up. The employees involved were fired. Let's hope the remainder got IQ tests.

The video made the rounds of the internet and came to the attention of the county health commissioner, who was, of course, horrified.

When a local TV station contacted Burger King about this incident, a company flack emailed the following statement:

"Burger King Corp. was just notified of this incident and is cooperating fully with the health department. We have sanitized the sink and have disposed of all other kitchen tools and utensils that were used during the incident. . . . We have also taken appropriate corrective action on the employees that were involved in this video. Additionally, the remaining staff at this restaurant is being retrained in health and sanitation procedures."

They also might add training to avoid hiring employees who call themselves "Mr. Unstable."

The following story came to me this week from a reader who's sentiments may be shared by a lot folks. If I am the last one on the planet to have seen it and it has been circulating around the web for a long time, please excuse my redundancy.

The story pokes fun at business bureaucracy, mismanagement, corporate fairness, employee relations and more. Finding this type of story more often in your in-box displays a kind of recession fatigue and growing cynicism.

A foreign company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the foreign company won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the foreign team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat while not enough people were rowing.

If there's any good that's come out of the subprime mess, it's the handful of sardonic songs/skits/poems that have been making their way around the internet in tribute to the losses that have ravaged the financial world.

There's the Dr. Seuss-inspired "Broker Joe" poem about a CDO-pushing salesman, available with illustrations here. Then there was Merle Hazard's country song of heartbreak "H-E-D-G-E F-U-N-D", complete with a YouTube music video. My personal favorite satire was the mock interview conducted by two British satirists, also available on YouTube.

If you can't get enough of this stuff, someone else has posted "The Subprime Primer," a stick-figure illustrated, 45 slide show about what went wrong.

Hat Tip: Consumerist.

The ridiculous story published by the New York times yesterday regarding John McCain's encounters with a Washington lobbyist offered little to it's readers or the voting American public. It was a waste of time on talk shows and the broader media coverage it received shows how petty election politics can be.

Every official in Washington is constantly being bombarded by thousands of lobbyist's all the time and someone in McCains position (and Obama's and Clinton's) get no relief. If his wife is not griping when he gets closer to some then others and they happen to be attractive too, we have nothing to say about it, unless it crosses some legal or ethical boundary.

McCain was unhappy. I was unhappy and most pundits I listened to thought as much of the story as I did. However, I might have handled it with some good humor. McCain should have issued a press release with pictures of the top 100 best looking lobbyists (male and female) that he has met with over the past five years. Let them run that in the New Yorks Times. Now that would spark huge readership.

Sheldon Liber is the CEO of a small private investment company and the principal for design and research at an architecture & planning firm. He writes the columns Chasing Value and Serious Money.

News Corp (NYSE:NWS) today announced that it will revamp its Fox Business Network lineup in response to recent viewership reports showing that Americans would rather undergo a cavity search than watch the shows.

Drawing upon inspiration from its successful Fox Entertainment division, we hear that a number of new programs are under consideration:

• Homer Nose Business -- a "Simpsons" take on making 'd'oh' in the food and beverage industries, with field reporters Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Jr. and Moe Szyslak.
• 24:00 Stocks -- Kiefer Sutherland hosts a new studio show in which CEOs of tanking corporations are subjected to waterboarding and other amusing non-torture interview techniques in order to extract crucial investor information.
• American Idle --The 'idle rich' report by Paris Hilton, featuring the latest exposés directly from the wellspring of the trickle-down economy.
• Prison Break-- Five-minute updates hosted by Andrew Fastow, Conrad Black and Lou Pearlman, live from their offices in U.S. Federal government facilities.

e-card pwn -- I don't even open e-cards anymore since the spammers adopted them as a way of invading my PC, but someecards.com has caused me to change my mind. Instead of the usual meaningless phrases like 'Thinking of you', someecards carry relevant messages, such as

• Courtesy hello -- I really enjoyed awkwardly waving at you
• Graduation -- Congratulations on getting through the easiest part of your life
• Business – Just getting on your radar because I may need something from you soon

Robot spy blimp – According to Lewis Page of The Register, the U.S. Army's $11 million order with Telford Aviation could be for the company's 30,000 cubic foot unmanned blimp, the Skybus 30K. I presume the spy blimp will be used to monitor football games and other sporting events for terrorists. You suppose the Army will offer naming rights to Goodyear (NYSE: GT)?

Spiderpig hoax – Those millions of you that have seen Fox's (News Corp, NYSE: NWS) The Simpsons Movie will remember Homer's pet, Spiderpig. Today we learn from Offbeat Enough that Oli Young, who had promised to name his second child Spiderpig if 100,000 people joined his Facebook group, has reneged on this promise. Apparently, his wife is not even pregnant, and I'm pretty sure she wasn't consulted beforehand. Spiderpig is about the only name that doesn't appear in any of the baby name books I've seen.

Fishy Spas --Thanks to Boingboing.net for a story about an ancient middle-Eastern skin treatment that has become popular in China. There, those with skin ailments are immersing themselves in pools filled with Doctor Fish, a minnow-sized fish that feeds on the affected and dead skin, in essence nibbling the patient to health. Those with really serious cases might toss in a couple of piranhas to speed the process. How long before this becomes an American fad? Are you listening, Estee Lauder (NYSE: EL)? Johnson & Johnson (NYSE: JNJ)?

I have not been able to verify the following information as truth in fact but I received this report in an important message from my father and knew that I must pass it along. The following text is an examination of routine airliner service work orders and the mechanic's responses in compliance.

Once again, I must make clear that I have not verified this information. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that when I read this I laughed myself to tears.

The following is a list of maintenance service requests by pilots of a major parcel carrier and the resolutions stated by ground crew engineers. Pilot complaints are marked with a (P) and service technician responses are marked with an (S):

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

I received a torrent of comments to my recent blog post: American Idol: Are Indian call centers skewing the vote? and some of the responses had me rolling with laughter. I'm sure my perspective will not be shared by all, but shared it will be. Among all opinions there was consensus that contestant Sanjaya has outlasted his level of talent. My colleague Jonathan Berr had a different view when he posted Vote for the Worst is messing with American Idol, not Indian call centers. Still others thought Sanjaya was still on the show because he was an anti-judges vote, or young and cute, or even gay... a gay vote?

Having read everyone's thinking on the subject, which was one of my motivations for writing the story, I think it is all of the above. I hope that the "Vote for the Worst" does not have a major impact on the eventual outcome. Consider that the show has created opportunities for young talent to gain an audience, while entertaining millions with something better than infomercials and melodramas about doom and destruction.

The funniest comment of the week goes to VM who thought to critique my commentary with humor and succeeded. Thanks VM:

I own 25 call centers in India, and all my staff is just sitting idle during the American Idol. It is the great Indian Idle during American Idol.

So I have asked them to download the American Idol video -- as it is available on Bit Torrent as soon as it is aired -- there are lots of fans in India who download the show immediately, and get Sanjaya's number and start voting for him. For every vote, I reward with a point, and with every 100 points, they get a pay grade increase. So -- American Idol contestants, contact me if you want to win -- I can hook you up.