One of my favorite Jim Cramer-isms is "Commandment No. 5" -- Tips are for waiters. Here's what he writes:

You know that the best moves are takeovers and you are convinced that if you can catch one, it will make up for all the bum steers and bad bets you have made. Tips are winning lottery tickets in most people's eyes.

That's the reason I've had to default to a simple analogy, tips are for waiters, to remind myself how stupid tips really are. Does it occur to you, on hearing the tip, that if the person telling you that Nokia is going to buy RIM really knows that's going to happen, the person is an insider and is breaking the law, and you could get in trouble, too? Does it occur to you that if the person isn't an insider, he doesn't know? There simply is no way a tip like that can work. Leave it for the waiter.

That's what investors should be keeping in mind as they watch shares of E*Trade (NASDAQ: ETFC) surge on extraordinarily vague takeover rumors. Shares were up as much as 25% on rumors that Schwab and Ameritrade were interested in buying the beleaguered broker. Where did these rumors come from? Ah, yes. "A source." And who's to say that "the source" isn't some clown holding a ton of E*Trade shares that he needs to get rid of -- for 25% more than they were trading before the rumor?

Everyone knows E*Trade could be in play -- any time a stock tanks that much, there are always going to rumors. But no one really knows what's going on, and buying E*Trade on the rumor is just mindless speculation.

As Doug McIntyre wrote, "E*Trade may be worth over $5, but it could also be worth a lot less."

Wasn't Palm Inc. (NASDAQ: PALM) supposed to be bought out already? Weren't investors supposed to make a quick hit and go to the next buyout candidate?

Well, some investors have already moved on. After reaching a high of $19.45, the stock has slipped to $17.18 per share.

The hope was that Motorola Inc. (NYSE: MOT) would buy Palm. Or was it the Texas Pacific Group? Maybe Dell Inc. (NASDAQ: DELL)? I really can't remember, actually.

In fact, according to a report on Bloomberg.com, the CEO of Palm, Ed Colligan, says he's not thinking of selling out. Instead, he still believes he can slay Research in Motion Ltd. (NASDAQ: RIMM) and Nokia Corp. (NYSE: NOK).

That's a noble mission – but it's not what buyout traders want to hear.

Expect more volatility in the stock. I think we can get some more rumors out of this one.

Tom Taulli is the author of various books, including the Complete M&A Handbook and the EDGAR-Online Guide to Decoding Financial Statements.

There's certainly been lots of buyout talk regarding the New York Times. In fact, billionaire "Hank" Greenberg (who was the former CEO of AIG) is buying shares of the stock. He says he has no intention of buying the company (but, yes, things can change).

However, it would be tough to takeover the company. That is, the Sulzberger family has absolute control of the NY Times (because of a dual-class share structure). An investment wing of Morgan Stanley has been trying to get the family to relinquish its control.

But there's more: According to a BusinessWeek article, the chairman of the NY Times, Arthur O. Sulzberger Jr., has been exploring the idea of a leveraged buyout.

To get a deal done, there needs to be approval of six out of eight trustees who control the Class B shares. The problem? It means giving up lucrative dividends. Also, because of large amounts of debt required, the NY Times would be a much riskier operation.

Then again, there are obviously big problems for the newspaper industry – especially from web properties, such as Craigslist. In other words, over the next few years – assuming things continue to deteriorate for the newspaper industry – there may not be much in dividends to distribute anyway.

Tom Taulli is the author of various books, including the Complete M&A Handbook and operates DealProfiles.com.