Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a foul ball and a plate glass window, these two were meant for one another.

Pity the poor Chicago Cubs fan. The modern Sisyphus has spent a century coaxing his baseball team to the verge of greatness, only to see it collapse into a pile of baseline chalk time after time. The 2007 season was especially painful, after investing $136 million in slugger Alfonso Soriano and inking one of the game's best managers, Lou Piniella. The team eked into the playoffs, only to be swept in three games by the Arizona Diamondbacks.

The Cubs are part of The Tribune Company (NYSE: TRB), currently in the process of being bought by Sam Zell. Many expect the Cubs to be sold when/if this deal is completed.

Given that the Cubs have provided a century of heartbreak to the windy city, perhaps the team should merge with a company that can make money off of fans' paroxysms. Emergency Medical Services (NYSE: EMS) could be such a partner.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a presidential candidate and a lobbyist's pocket, these two belong together.

I read recently that the average Las Vegas visitor leaves behind around $200 in gambling losses. However, in my flights back from Vegas I've noticed that many passengers still have their diamond rings, fine luggage and iPods, which tells me they haven't been wrung completely dry.

For companies such as Harrah's Entertainments (NYSE: HET), that's just opportunity lost, so I have a suggestion for how Harrah's could improve its take. Simply merge with EZCorp (NASDAQ: EZPW), operator of a chain of 82 EZPAWN pawn shops, which offer short-term credit to needy individuals based on personal property collateral, as well as 334 EZMoney stores offering pay advances.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a toddler and a sleeping cat, the interactions of these two seem inevitable.

Poor Mattel, Inc., (NYSE: MAT). The company with fun as its main product has been repeatedly hammered with product recalls for lead-contaminated toys, just as the Christmas season toy stock build-up is in full swing. Santa won't be lining up this year for Mattel's lead-painted Barbies, Pixar Cars, Fisher-Price toys or "It's A Really Big World" sets. The company's supply chain needs a couple of extra links: China to Mattel to Retailer to Mattel to The Dump. Some see this as tragic, but I see an opportunity for integration.

Waste Management Inc. (NYSE: WMI) has a solid grasp on a seemingly limitless American resource: trash. From the curbside to the rapidly growing U.S. mountain ranges of disposed goods, the company thrives on our discards.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a slot machine and a blue hair with a pocket full of quarters, these two were meant for one another.

George Carlin has a famous rap (NSFW) about Americans and our love of stuff, which drives our need to build more places to put our stuff. That's always struck me as an integrated business plan. Two seemingly perfect partners for such a business are Dollar General (NYSE: DG) and Public Storage (NYSE: PSA).

Dollar General is a leader in recreational shopping for the denominationally challenged. If you have a hankering for neon-colored plastic, something covered in polyester fur, food with the half-life of uranium-235 or clothing with the style of Piltdown Man, DG is your go-to source.There you'll find shelf after shelf of non-essentials, the kind that end up in storage sheds. Currently, the 8,260-store company is in the process of merging with Buck Holdings LP.

If this deal falters, though, how about a merger with Public Storage? PSA (I'm a little uneasy with a company whose stock ticker is the name of a prostate cancer screening test, by the way) is a REIT with direct and indirect interest in over 2,000 self-storage developments in the U.S., containing, I'm sure, a great deal of material from Dollar General. The merger would be an excellent opportunity to double-down on America's seemingly inexhaustible need for more stuff.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a BB gun and an empty bottle, these two were meant for one another.

The funeral industry is one of the last bastions against the pervasive move down-market. Not even Ikea sells a casket. Yet.

There are two American companies, though, that if combined, could offer a new application for a product that people have trusted for decades -- I'm talking, of course, about a Tupperware Casket. I even have a slogan: Burp 'em and bury 'em.

One of Hillenbrand Industries, Inc. (NYSE: HB)'s best holdings is the Batesville Casket Company. While the funeral services portion of HB has enjoyed steady growth, it is now facing possible antitrust charges for allegedly conspiring with funeral home companies to prevent discounters and online retailers from marketing their wares. Pairing up with Tupperware (NYSE: TUP) on a line of budget burial goods might take the teeth out of that charge.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a box of Oreos and a glass of milk, these two were meant for one another.

One aspect of American life that has been keeping up with the Dow Jones average is our waistlines. Since 1994, the percentage of adults considered overweight or obese has shot up from 55.8% to 65.9%, a bullish market (covered in barbecue sauce) indeed. In looking for partners that feed in this trough, I found two that, if merged, could make dough in both expanding and contracting economies.

The first, the obvious, is Weight Watchers International (NYSE: WTW). One of the oldest, and arguably the most successful weight loss company, Weight Watchers leverages peer- to-peer support to sell a full line of diet foods, books about weight loss and endorsed products. While its diet plan finished higher than those of other companies such as Jenny Craig in a Consumer Reports study, the fact is most customers don't succeed in maintaining their weight loss.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like an empty rental and a copper thief, these two seem drawn together.

The leader in the mortgage meltdown, Countrywide Financial (NYSE: CFC) managed to leverage its bon-homey, don't-ask-don't-tell lending policies into a corporate disaster. Where, you might ask, can it turn to make lemonade out of these lemons?

To answer this I asked myself, what do people do when the mortgage bill is greater than the sum of their paychecks, savings, hockable goods and child's piggy bank? Usually, when the going gets tough, the tough go drinking. Who, then, would be a better partner for Countrywide than distilling giant Diageo plc (NYSE: DEO)?

The newly dispossessed won't be drinking alone, either. With the CEO selling off his holdings, the SEC reviewing the company's stock option awards, and massive layoffs through the industry, millions of us with a piece of the mortgage business could use a stiff shot of J&B with a Guinness chaser.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a Best of the Bee Gees CD and a mullet haircut, these two seem made for one another.

I admit to frequent bouts of pettiness, and the name Bed, Bath and Beyond (NASDAQ: BBBY) tickles that nerve -- beyond what? And isn't the word order wrong? Don't most of us bathe, then go to bed, and then, if we're lucky, beyond?

So, out of that petty reasoning, I went looking for a candidate for BBBY that could resolve the confusing name problem, and came up with the perfect candidate: Playboy Enterprises (NYSE: PLA). With Hugh Hefner as a partner (in the business sense, that is), we would know exactly what was meant by "beyond."

The partnership even makes vague business sense. Playboy is attempting to take its storefront operations in locations such as London upscale, with designer goods and minimal sleaze. Stocking them with some of the more high-end BBBY goods might make them more appealing for middle-class shoppers.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a raisin and an infant's nose, these two seem made for one another.

Every company that enters a market would be well advised to have an exit strategy (eh, Mr. Bush?). Kellogg Co. (NYSE: K) entered the fiber business over 100 years ago, and has made its fortune helping the American public by offering an exit strategy for its food intake.

So, in the interest of integrating businesses, I thought a natural partner for Kellogg might be Orchids Paper Products (AMEX: TIS), maker of bulk toilet paper, a product sure to help the combined company's bottom line.

After all, both depend on fiber for their success. Since one is "import" oriented, the other focused on the "export" business, their combined forces have great cross-marketing potential. For example -- how about a roll of toilet paper in every box of All-Bran? Given the boomer population's advancing age, the market for these products should be outstanding.

Kellogg and Orchids Paper Products -- a regular powerhouse to keep the American public's supply chain flowing unimpeded.

Most mergers are driven by the notion, sometimes wildly mistaken, that the combination will bring both a competitive advantage. Some pairs of companies, however, seem so intuitively right for one another, no bottom-line considerations should be allowed to interfere with their matrimony. Like a hyperactive kid and a hungover salesman sharing the same flight, these two were meant to sit side by side.

Travel on airlines such as American (NYSE: AMR) has become a nightmare of long lines, pat-downs and hours spent in a space smaller than your golden retriever's home crate. On the other hand, package shipping with companies such as FedEx (NYSE: FDX) has become extremely simple, reliable, timely and inexpensive. I can't help but think that merging the two would provide us a new option. With the right size shipping box and larger drop-off boxes, why couldn't I FedEx myself to Acapulco?

Sure, the box might seem confining, but have you sat in the center seat of the back row on an AMR flight lately? The discomfort of the automated handling system would be offset by the convenience of pick-up and drop-off locations in over 220 countries. You could save money by being delivered directly to your destination at the other end, as long as someone there will sign for you. Bathrooms might be a problem, but for an answer look no further than the recent escapades of a spurned astronaut.