News Corp (NYSE:NWS) today announced that it will revamp its Fox Business Network lineup in response to recent viewership reports showing that Americans would rather undergo a cavity search than watch the shows.

Drawing upon inspiration from its successful Fox Entertainment division, we hear that a number of new programs are under consideration:

• Homer Nose Business -- a "Simpsons" take on making 'd'oh' in the food and beverage industries, with field reporters Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Jr. and Moe Szyslak.
• 24:00 Stocks -- Kiefer Sutherland hosts a new studio show in which CEOs of tanking corporations are subjected to waterboarding and other amusing non-torture interview techniques in order to extract crucial investor information.
• American Idle --The 'idle rich' report by Paris Hilton, featuring the latest exposés directly from the wellspring of the trickle-down economy.
• Prison Break-- Five-minute updates hosted by Andrew Fastow, Conrad Black and Lou Pearlman, live from their offices in U.S. Federal government facilities.

In case you weren't sure what certain Street terms mean, here's a short guide - from a Permabull's perspective, of course.

Analysts. Highly paid cheerleaders who figure out ways to make stocks appear cheap

Bad news. Events that cause the Federal Reserve to cut interest rates so that share prices go up

Bears. Sad, lonely people who don't appreciate why equity prices invariably move higher

Brokers. Specially-trained relationship managers who convert mere mortals into super-bulls

Bulls. Well-bred equity investors

Bond market. The place where stock market bears are sent out to pasture for their wayward views

Cash. Realized gains that equity investors spend on fancy vacations and assorted luxury items

Dividends. A positive influence on stock prices

Economy. An irrelevant side show to what happens in the equity market

Fear. An emotion that bulls experience when they are not 100% invested

Federal Reserve Board. A group of public officials who do their best to ensure that bulls are happy

Fundamentals. Anything that can help explain why stock prices rally

Greed. The only emotion that matters when it comes to playing the stock market

Hedge funds. Aggressive investors who use lots of leverage to ensure that stock prices eventually go up

Interest rates. A factor that occasionally serves as an explanation for why stocks rally

Leverage. The fail-safe strategy of using borrowed money to boost returns as share prices rise

Losses. The net result of selling short and listening to bond traders

Mutual funds. Investment vehicles that enable bulls to remain fully invested in the equity market at all times

Short-sellers. Dour individuals who scramble to cover bad bets as stock prices rally

Strategists. Highly paid cheerleaders who figure out ways to make stocks appear cheap

Wall Street. The place where bulls congregate and fawn over one another

Michael Panzner is a 25-year veteran of the global stock, bond, and currency markets and the author of Financial Armageddon: Protecting Your Future from Four Impending Catastrophes and The New Laws of the Stock Market Jungle: An Insider's Guide to Successful Investing in a Changing World.